Today’s felt hotter than some weeks ago. I can feel more wind than last Golden Week, though. Golden Week two years ago even more hotter than last year. I didn’t go anywhere for this spare time. It’s not that I went out every Golden Week. I was the same as I am. Observing what happen during Golden Week from my apato. Seeing what people do on their daily story of social media. “I want to go to that park too!” I thought it would be fun. Well, no my dear self. It’s hot. You have no energy to walk and/or socialise. Besides, do you want to go out because you see them do so or because you want to? I would choose to answer, because I want to spend my time with my friends. It’s not that nessecesary, yes? So, I focused listening on my self and reflected to my behavior for the years I have passed instead of going out. Seeing who means the most to my life and understanding to what happen recently. I do going out though. To coop nearby LOL.
I want to re-arrange my small house. My loft bedroom felt steamy already. I hate waking up by the heat hugged me, I prefer the cold. Sadly, my so-called first floor isn’t tidy. I messed it up a lot. Clothes here and there. I made an imaginary division in my head to divide which area is allowed to be messy and which area should be shown well. For my only eyes, I disappointed. But I allowed it. I let it be. I rarely have time for my self. I told people that I’m an introvert but I rarely put my attention on my self. Most of the time, I spent my time thinking about people. “It would be fun if I do this with her, him, them, my this, my that, her who, his plays, etc”. I imagine them playing inside my head often. I often off-guard of whom I let stay in my mind. I often remind my self, focus to your work! Firstly, people you have in your mind never really put their attention to you. Secondly, you have your own shit to do. Work! Thirdly, those scenario felt fun but it’s not the reality. When you meet the real them, they are different from what you have envisioned. Remember when you meet The Big Boss? You talk to him as if he is your own father. Your email style is short and to the point because you thought “aah, he likes this efficient manner best!”. You might appear cold but it’s OK, you thought. You thought you knew him, he might need a person who talks to him efficiently. There, you made yourself talk very fast in front of him. Because you are afraid that he might not want to listen to you due to the time constraint. That you are not interesting enough to talk with. You forgot to imagine that his days aren’t for you only. You forgot that he barely sees you for the past years. You spent too little time with him and you spent very little time to let him know you, your capability. He’s not fully alike with the person you had in my mind. That person only the manifestation of him, whom you think you knew. See? I have just warned my self but I think about people already. Oh Lord!
Wait, I know you want to close this page already but wait. Thinking about your rented loft apartment. You haven’t told you that your room is much more tidy, clean, well-sorted, and sweet-scented than last–last years. Be proud! Yeay!! You can sleep and eat well in it. You should make time to feel the surroundings. It feels nice, yes? Not as tidy as you want but tidy enough to make you staying inside and work. It feels really nice. It indeed feels very nice. I don’t know how many time I will spend my time being grateful like this. Compare to what I have felt in my mind the past years, this situation feels much nicer. I feel full. Dear God, I thank you deeply. Thank you.
Dear my self, spend more of your time with yourself. So that you can live in peace. Don’t let yourself off-guard ever again. Even if you do, don’t blame her. Accept her fully.
Maybe what some people fight isn't the concept, for instance, of gender. Maybe they fight people who used that concept excessively and intentionally hurt whoever against the dichotomy. It's people versus people. First group of people being sick of accusation that they never do. The accusation contents communal stigma that inherited from generation to generation. These people got angry and even denied this accusation because they never did such wrong-doings. Even if they did, who does on earth wants to be labelled as bad people? Sadly, they are marked as the society's scumbag. These people are never really have time to show who they are in the first place. They might be the good people who is hurt and being in rebellious phase for too long. Or maybe they simply are not experienced enough to know how it feels like to be in bonafide circumstances. Instead of being taken care, these people are ostracised. On the other hand, the second group chose to stick to what they believe is true. "Negativity should be erased. People who did that should be annihilated. We all should live within positive ambience and attitude. I don't want my future generation be the bad people. We would be ashamed if such things happened. I want to nurture the golden generation who is having genteel manners, intelligent, dependable, very agreeable, and productive". These people aren't wrong. Hoping for the best isn't wrong. They merely forget that positive is not positive unless negativity exists. What they forget, excessiveness is the enemy. It's the danger. Despite, why we fight negativity? Why don't we embrace it? Why can't we manage it? Should we feel fully content within the balance nuance. Any good-doings could go wrong if we exaggerate it. Any, so-called, wrong-doings might be existed for our good. It doesn't make human being any less. Maybe what we need is the ability to handle the darkness. No one wants to stay in their bubble blindly swimming alone in the depth of hopelessness. It is suffocating, yes?
I want to cook Indonesian Soto Ayam today. I craved something soupy. I wonder why. I craved for soupy food ever since I was back from Indonesia. People said, soupy food is kind of comfort food. Do I need to be comforted? lol
Cold brew coffee works best with black sesame milk. At least that is my thought. Black sesame milk enhanced the nutty flavour from coffee. It feels enjoyable while it’s hot. Bought these friends from a market nearby. I should thank a person who introduce me to this coffee type. It’s very unfortunate that I can’t enjoy any type of coffee. My taste bud fight against my stomach err.. Searching for cold brew is difficult. This time, I want to try with Almond and Oat milk. It less nutty, maybe, but I think it still nice.
I listened to this as I shopped
I like that they put classical song as the music base. I’m not sure if it calls music base but we can clearly hear some classic music as the background music for this song.
So, I finished cooking. And I satisfied, yeayy!
Indonesian Soto Ayam
1. Grounded ingredients
– Shallots 3 cloves
– Garlic 2 cloves
– Candle nuts 2 cloves
– Cardamon powder 1 table spoon
– Lime leaves 2 pieces
2. Serving ingredients
– Shredded cabbage
– Boiled eggs
– Hot rice
– Salt and sugar
1. Ground all ingredients except lime leaves with stone pounder until smooth
2. Sauté the grounded ingredients until the fragrance is out. Put the lime leaves. Be careful not to overcook the shallots. It takes a couple of minutes until all of it is browning.
3. Right after all ingredients changed colour to brown, pour water for about 300 ml.
4. [Cheating step] Pour two table spoon of instant spices particularly for Soto Ayam to enhance the flavour. I used Bamboe brand for Indonesian Soto Soup.
5. Add 3 boiled eggs. It will be more delicious if you add shredded chicken meat.
6. Add salt and sugar as you like. I like more salt than sugar.
7. Serve it with shredded cabbage and hot rice.
I like Apple product even more today. As I listened to One OK Rock this morning from my Macbook, I realised one thing. I cannot turn up the volume of the song more than the volume allowance. It’s a bit irritating but understandable. I usually turn it up so high that my ears will suffered afterwards. It’s an unhealthy habit but inevitable. Sometimes, I utilised the song to externalise my feelings. I like it stronger. As the consequences, I can only enjoy the songs for a couple of hour. I sighed. I mean, sometimes I want to listen to it for a long time since I worked from morning to night. I need the energy. Turnt out, I didn’t suffer my ears this time. I subscribe for Apple Musics recently. The production sound is rounder and smoother. They are supported by Dolby sound, I suppose it should be better sound than other commercial music provider. I can say that I enjoy this subscription a lot. The integration of Apple Music heard by Apple earset in Macbook is one incredible combination. Unfortunately, this combination is expensive. I think I should save up more in the future to buy their product again. In case I finished this contract with this work appliances.
As I thought about my feelings, I want to write about the people I miss right now. It was a couple of years ago. Perhaps, five years ago when I still at Semarang city. I met these bunch of people since we worked at the same place. I remember the ISTP, the ESFJ, the ISFP, the ESTJ, and the ENTP. We worked for the INFJ, the ENFP, and the ENTJ. It was fun and very natural ambience for us to gather and having effortless continuous chit-chat. I dislike one person within this group. Well, a bunch of people actually. It hurts every time I tried to recall this memory. It’s a part of Semarang that I don’t want to open. I chose to remember the light ambiance only. I remembered talking for almost whole night long with ENTP. Sat recklessly in front of the building with ISTP. I respect him a lot. He is kinda the logic of the group. Saying one philosophical undebatable statement that me and ENTP cannot debate. Together with ENTP, he created nice ambience. Pulling me back to the ground when I felt flying high up in the cloud. Not all of us need the high record in research activity. Some of us are just working to supply their daily needs. Some of us are pretty ambitious with their remarks until they forgot the quality of her research. His statements are always logic. I said once again, difficult to beat him. Remembering such moments made me smile again and again. My goodness! I miss them! I remember when ENTP and I talked about research everywhere. It’s pretty difficult content but we talked about it lightly. Like literally everywhere. Only during our day or night out of course. I remember we teased the ISFP and ISTP when we had lunch. We sat far to one another but we could reached our voices. I remember this ENTP shared his story to me after a long discussion of research. I should reach them again.
I went nowhere this week. I have an urgency to sort my life out. My performances in classes has been worsen and I can’t think clearly. I took it as a sign to withdraw for a while. I need to take a rest. Not long after I realised, my schedule is very okay this week. I worked from home.
When did I start become this weak? I infer if I did not own any energy at all to externalise my self out. Writing it out maybe the best.
Recently, I’m doing Ok with deadline. I’m gasping but I can finish it. Still, I really cannot think clear if I work near deadline. I wonder if this anxiety is an disorder or it’s just me being dump. I don’t want to think ahead, like I usually do. I’m just doing my what thoroughly. Without trying to envision it. If not, I will be paralysed and do nothing. I did my homework very slowly. I’m very sluggish near deadline.
I have two options to resolve this problem, doing everything super fast long before deadline or keep today’s pace.
It feels very relieving that finally I uploaded my conference file safely without crying and aflutter pump in my chest. No, I still received help from Bufferin Luna. I couldn’t do it alone by my self. But still, relieving yes? ^^
It’s been two days I’m having headaches. I tried to drink a lot. Sleeping more (oh well, still irregular tho). Consuming protein more. Eating veggies more. Taking care of my digestion system. And I still couldn’t find the reason why I got headache. I wonder if I got Covid again but no. I am meeting no one for the past 4 days lol. I wonder if this is my low blood pressure since I diligently eat Gaba choco recently. Eeee confusing…
Well, let’s go sleep
Yagiyama higashi 2.07